


what will they think?

by planetundersiege



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Backstory, Bullying, Comfort, Coming Out, Emotions, Homestuck - Freeform, M/M, Oneshot, Pesterlog(s) (Homestuck), Self projection, Support, Talking, Trans John Egbert, Trans Male Character, Trans Male John Egbert, Wordcount: 1.000-3.000, but it has a happy ending, just having a conversation, kind of like a vent work?, mentioned transphobia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-31
Updated: 2020-07-31
Packaged: 2021-03-06 02:41:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,442
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25635970
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/planetundersiege/pseuds/planetundersiege
Summary: John is a trans man but have never told anyone before Karkat, and has a conversation about it with him.
Relationships: John Egbert/Karkat Vantas
Kudos: 33





	what will they think?

ectoBiologist [EB]  began pestering  carcinoGeneticist [CC]  at 5:47

  
  


EB: hey karkat.

EB: are you there?

CC: FOR FUCKS SAKE JOHN WHY ARENT YOU ASLEEP

CC: SHOULDNT YOU HUMANS LIKE BE DIURNAL OR SOMETHING

CC: BUT I ALWAYS END UP SEEING YOU ONLINE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT LIKE YOU HAVE A TROLL DAY/NIGHT CYCLE OR SOME SHIT AND IT IS STARTING TO BECOME REALLY FUCKING CONCERNING TO ME SINCE EVERYTHING WE HAVE FOUND OUT ABOUT HUMANS SAY THAT YOU ARENT NOCTURNAL AT ALL BUT YOU STILL ACT LIKE IT

EB: jeez.

EB: calm down, that was a very warm welcome wasn’t it.

EB: but yeah, humans are diurnal, it’s just that all of us that survived are some fucking disasters and all. it’s actually pretty common for humans our age to just flip the cycle a bit since when we become teens our bodies biologically starts to become tired later and we also need more sleep, which mean we go to bed later and most can be up the entire night and then sleep until afternoon, biology is weird.

EB: we just never outgrew it, i guess?

CC: HOLY SHIT DID YOU JUST TURN INTO ROSE WITH ALL OF THAT FACT DUMPING

CC: ARE YOU OKAY

EB: yeah.

EB: heh

EB: tbh i only know all of that because i researched it and memorized it to tell my dad whenever he nagged on me for going to bed too late as a sort of defence.

EB: but well, this has nothing to do with what i wanted to talk about.

EB: or well, the day/night convo is a bit relatable atm.

CC: HOW

EB: well, even when being up late, i’m always at bed at like 3 am, now it’s almost six am.

EB: it’s because i can’t sleep, even though i’m usually fast asleep in two seconds after putting my head on my pillow this late, you know, the body is tired and the pillow is soft and warm and all. you know.

CC: ACTUALLY I DONT

CC: RECUPERACOON

CC: SOPOR SLIME

CC: NO PILLOWS

EB: ah, right.

EB: but anyway, i’m usually out in five minutes tops when going to bed because i’m tired, but now i just can’t-

EB: there’s so much in my mind right now and it’s a huge cluster of things and i just can’t put them on pause or something to sleep.

EB: all of the thoughts are consuming me and they’re all i think about, and i really needed to talk to someone about it. and right now, i feel like you would be the best option.

CC: ME

CC: IS THERE A REASON FOR THAT

EB: yeah, i don’t wanna talk with the humans about this.

EB: in a way, the thing i want to talk to you about is my relationship with them. i have this… secret if you can call it that, and i feel like a terrible being and a huge asshole for hiding it from them after all these years, since it’s a really important part of me.

EB: i guess i’m just scared for them to see me differently.

EB: i feel like a fraud, they should have known years ago when we met, but when we met online when we were twelve it was all still so knew and i was afraid they would judge me and stop talking to me if i told them

EB: or get bullied like i did in school when i came out

CC: CAME OUT

CC: IS THIS ONE OF YOUR HUMAN THINGS WITH DIFFERENT “SEXUALITIES” AS YOU CALL THEM

CC: AND SHUNNING ANYTHING OTHER THAN A WOMAN LIKING A MAN AND WISE VERSE BECAUSE EVERYTHING ELSE IS “UNNATURAL” TO SOME WEIRD AS PEOPLE

CC: EVEN THOUGH I HAVE NO IDEA HOW SOMEONE COULD HARASS SOMEONE FOR LOVING SOMEONE SINCE LOVING SOMEONE OF THE SAME GENDER IS COMPLETELY NORMAL

CC: HUMAN CULTURE BOTH BAFFLES AND CONFUSE ME SOMETIMES AND SOMETIMES IT MAKES ME STRAIGHT UP ANGRY

CC: IF YOU ARE WHAT A HUMAN WOULD CALL “GAY” THEN THATS COMPLETELY FINE AND I KNOW EVERYONE WILL ACCEPT YOU BECAUSE THERE IS NOTHING THAT NEEDS TO BE “ACCEPTED” BECAUSE IT IS ALL NORMAL AND NATURAL ALREADY JOHN

CC: IM SO SORRY IF YOUR HUMAN CULTURE MADE YOU FEEL OTHERWISE

EB: thanks karkat, that actually means a lot.

EB: but that isn’t the main thing.

CC: IT ISNT

EB: no

EB: but now when you brought it up, yeah, i did have a lot of internalized homophobia and always said i was not gay when i spoke to people online because i was afraid how people would react, because they had already reacted pretty badly with the main thing i wanted to talk about, in real life.

EB: but before we get to that, i’ve now come to terms with the fact that i’m bi, which means i like both men and women,

EB: ok i must be confusing you by mentioning this “main thing” over and over

CC: YEAH KIND OF

CC: COULD YOU PLEASE TELL ME

EB: okay, here it goes

EB: i’m trans

CC: AH OK

CC: COOL

EB: that’s it?

CC: WHAT

EB: that’s your reaction? simply a “cool”?

CC: YEAH

CC: WHY WOULDNT IT BE

CC: ITS NORMAL

EB: right, trolls are progressive about these sort of things.

EB: let me explain.

EB: i knew i wasn’t a girl from a young age, but i didn’t really have any word for it back then and just went with the flow, believing in a mix that all people felt this disconnect from their gender and that i would grow out of it, but i didn’t. and when i was eleven i found out what transgender was and i told my dad, he was really supportive and began to leave encouraging notes around the house where he called me “son” and it was really nice.

EB: we decided to wait with contacting my school for a bit, to make sure this was right. my dad got used to using he/him pronouns for me, but i hadn’t decided on a name yet so i still used my old one, told my dad it was okay because my birthname has a gender neutral nickname to it. and well it was so hard to find a name that fit.

EB: and then i met dave, rose and jade on pesterchum and we all became friends, and then they asked for my name and in a panic i just wrote down john, and then it stuck. that’s that first part of it all.

CC: OKAY

CC: SOME BACKSTORY TO UNDERSTAND EVERYTHING

CC: WHAT HAPPENED AFTER

EB: well i had decided that after knowing my friends for a while i would come out as trans to them, but it never happened because i became terrified.

EB: when i came out at school i was mocked by both teachers and students, they called me names and bullied me for being trans, called me a freak, refused to use the right name and pronouns, i wasn’t allowed into either the boys or girls bathroom or changing room and school became a hell for me.

EB: people called me wrong and unnatural and that i would never be a real guy, and it hurt

EB: they beat me up too, several times, and they even got the oldest people at our school, and the highschool to beat me up.

EB: and it also made me terrified to come out to my friends, because the back of my mind began to tell me that they would stop being friends with me and call me slurs. and they were the only friends i had since i had no one at school, and losing them terrified me.

EB: so i never came out to them.

CC: EXCUSE ME FOR INTERUPTING

CC: BUT IF THOSE MOTHERFUCKERS WERENT ALREADY DEAD I WOULD HAVE KILLED THEM MYSELF

CC: THE THINGS THEY DID TO YOU WAS FUCKING DISGUSTING

EB: yeah it was horrible.

EB: but like, i knew i was a guy, but experiencing all of that made me think no one would ever accept it, so i thought of being trans as my one deep dark secret, a shameful thing to be. so i thought that if i never told anyone then no one would ever leave me.

EB: being bullied like that also made me denying i liked both men and women, because some people said that you couldn’t really be a trans man like me if you liked men, and that made you a straight girl.

EB: to this day, literally no one knows. i never told rose, jade or dave.

EB: when we started the game i was thirteen so it was easy to hide. some people that age hadn’t started puberty yet, me included. my chest hadn’t started to grow, no one questioned my light voice, because most guys get deeper voices a bit later. and i hadn’t started to bleed yet. 

CC: BLEED

CC: WHAT

EB: right. it’s a thing humans assigned female at birth does once every month from a certain age.

CC: SO IT’S NOT DANGEROUS

EB: not at all. just dysphoria inducing. i’m so glad i never had to experience it.

EB: when i traveled with jade for three years i spent a lot of time reading science books and managed to alchemize some testosterone in secret, and it worked, it made me start male puberty. i got a deep voice and facial hair, never started bleeding, and since i started it at thirteen, my chest never developed, meaning i never needed surgery to make it flat, that’s why i’ve been able to go to the beach with you all and no one suspected it.

EB: you’re literally the first karkat.

EB: and i feel like a horrible person and a liar for never having told anyone else.

EB: like, they’re my best friends but i’m not telling them about a super important part of my life.

CC: OKAY JOHN

CC: FIRST OF ALL

CC: YOU ARE NOT A BAD PERSON

CC: FUCK THOSE THOUGHTS

CC: FROM WHAT I CAN TELL FROM YOUR STORY AND MY UNDERSTANDING OF HUMAN CULTURE HUMANS TREATED TRANS PEOPLE WAY DIFFERENTLY THAN TROLLS DID AND IT TOOK ITS TOLL ON YOU MAKING YOU SCARED OF BEING ABANDONED

CC: TRUST ME I KNOW WHAT THAT FEELING FEELS LIKE

CC: OF COURSE ITS NOT THE SAME AS BEING AFRAID TO BE REJECTED FOR BEING TRANS BUT I WAS TERRIFIED I WOULD BE REJECTED FOR MY BLOOD COLOR

CC: I KNOW THE KNOT IN YOUR STOMACH AND ALL THE THOUGHTS IN YOUR HEAD BUT TRUST ME

CC: YOU ARE NOT AND HAVE NEVER BEEN A BAD PERSON

CC: THAT THING TALKING IS A DEFENSE MECHANISM FROM LIVING THROUGH SOMETHING HORRIBLE AND I CANT BLAME YOU FROM KEEPING THAT SECRET

CC: BUT EVEN IF YOU HADNT BEEN THROUGH THAT IT WOULD STILL HAVE BEEN COMPLETELY OKAY WITH YOU KEEPING IT A SECRET BECAUSE IN THE END ITS YOUR LIFE AND YOUR BODY AND ITS ONLY YOU THAT GETS TO DECIDE WHO YOU WANTS TO COME OUT TO

CC: IF YOU DONT WANT TO COME OUT TO SOMEONE THATS COMPLETELY FINE AND VALID AND NONE OF THAT PERSONS BUSINESS

CC: ITS YOUR LIFE AND YOUR RULES AND YOU ARE NOT A BAD PERSON FOR NOT HAVING COME OUT TO YOUR FRIENDS

CC: YOU ARE JOHN AND YOU ARE THEIR FRIENDS AND THAT SHOULD BE ENOUGH BECAUSE BEING TRANS IS NOT WHAT ALL OF YOUR IDENTITY IS REVOLVING AROUND

CC: YOURE JOHN AND YOU HAVE YOUR OWN PERSONALITY AND EVERYONE LIKES YOU BECAUSE YOURE YOU

CC: YOU JUST HAPPEN TO BE A GUY THATS TRANS BUT THAT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU OTHER THAN YOUR MIND AND BODY AND YOURE STILL THE SAME PERSON THEY KNEW BEFORE AND THEY WILL ACCEPT YOU IF YOU DECIDE TO TELL THEM BECAUSE YOURE STILL THE SAME JOHN AND THEY WILL JUST FIND OUT THAT YOURE TRANS

CC: YOURE NOT HIDING A WHOLE DIFFERENT PERSONALITY UNDER A TRENCHCOAT

CC: THEY GOT TO KNOW YOU AS JOHN AND NOT YOU AS A GENDER AND LITERALLY NOTHING WILL CHANGE IF YOU COME OUT OF THEM

CC: BUT THATS ONLY IF YOU DECIDE YOU WANT TO COME OUT TO THEM BECAUSE ITS STILL YOUR CHOICE TO MAKE

CC: AND IF YOU DECIDE YOU DONT WANT TO TELL THEM THATS COMPLETELY FINE AND VALID TOO AND YOU ARE NOT A BAD FRIEND FOR NOT TELLING THEM BECAUSE ITS NOT LIKE YOURE HIDING SOMETHING RELEVANT TO THEM

CC: ITS YOUR CHOICE TO MAKE AND NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO IM HERE TO SUPPORT YOU

CC: YOURE NOT A BAD FRIEND BUT AN AMAZING GUY AND IM SO HAPPY TO HAVE GOTTEN TO KNOW YOU

CC: I GOT TO KNOW YOU AS JOHN AND THANKS TO YOUR PERSONALITY AND ME NOW KNOWING YOURE TRANS DOESNT CHANGE A THING

CC: REMEMBER THAT YOU ARE LOVED BY EVERYONE HERE INCLUDING ME

CC: YOURE LIKE THE BEST PERSON IVE EVER MET AND I WANT YOU TO FEEL GOOD ABOUT YOURSELF

EB: wow.

EB: that’s a lot of text and you write fast.

EB: but thank you so much, it really means so much to read through all of that and i really needed it.

EB: you’re literally the best karkat. EB: thank you.

CC: YOU SHOULDNT NEED TO THANK ME FOR THIS

CC: I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT I CARE ABOUT YOU AND SO DOES EVERYONE ELSE AND THEY WILL LOVE YOU THE SAME NO MATTER IF YOU TELL THEM OR NOT

EB: well, this really means a lot to me, and i think i will tell them soon, but not right now. i really want to talk more about this first, to explain everything i’m feeling, but in person, to become ready to come out, you know.

EB: do you want to come over to my hive and like share a pizza while talking?   
EB: it feels fucking great to have part of this weight off my chest after all these years.

CC: A PIZZA SOUNDS GREAT

CC: WHEN DO YOU WANT ME OVER?   
  
EB: can you come in like an hour or two? i really need to talk more.

  
CC: OF COURSE

CC: AND REMEMBER BEFORE I GET THERE

CC: YOU ARE LOVED AND APPRECIATED AND YOU ARE AN AMAZING PERSON FOR BEING YOURSELF

CC: AND DONT EVER LET ANYONE ELSE CONVINCE YOU OTHERWISE.

EB: thank you karkat.

EB: see you soon.

  
  


ectoBiologist [EB] ceased pestering carcinoGeneticist [CC] at 6:23


End file.
